Remove “IM” to Make Possible That Which Was IMpossible

I am a dreamer.  I often dream the “impossible.”  At the very least, my dreams are considered to be mere fantasies–“flights of fancy” as they have been referred to.  But “impossible” becomes possible by merely removing “im.”  So “IM” going to share my BIG, FAT FANTASY.

Here goes.  My BIG, FAT FANTASY is that someone–anyone, really–who has a beach-front home in the LA area (maybe a beach home they’re not using) would offer me an extended stay, just to be there, work on my website, writing, blogging, my health, my acting career, lose weight, and enjoy life, without a single care in the world.  I dream that someone will look at the fact that I spent my entire life as a chub and never let that slow me down, and at the age of 58, I have literally “dieted” my weigh (pun intended) to 350 pounds.

Not a worry in the world... my dream

Not a worry in the world… my dream

What am I thinking?

I’ve never, ever had a time in my life when I had nothing at all about which to worry.  As a child, I worried about a relative who would visit our home and slip into my room in the night to do unspeakable things.  I worried about keeping that secret in order to protect my family.  I WANTED to get fat because my child’s understanding told me that IF ONLY I were fat enough, he would leave me alone.  (I know now that that is a huge fallacy, but it seemed so true in a child’s mind.)

As a single mom, I worried about EVERYTHING, I lobbied for Social Security reform, I fought with insurance and healthcare companies over my daughter’s medical care; I worked three or four jobs at a time to MEET our basic needs.  You’ve heard the phrase, “I robbed Peter to pay Paul”?  Well, I tried that, but even Peter had nothing for me.

As a mature adult, the big things I worry about are retirement, my health, our children, continuing to work, financial security.  Of less importance, of course, are losing hair, losing friends, losing keys.

Now, honestly, I HATE pitiful, it’s something I refuse to be.  I believe that anyone will be as happy as they CHOOSE to be, and I tend to choose happy most of the time.  If there’s nobody “messing with me,” I typically go through life snapping my fingers and moving my hips to a rhythm that few people hear (it’s usually some 70’s tune going in my head).  I’m a confident, intelligent woman who loves meeting people, new adventures, and celebrating all that is good.   Even through the many injustices I have suffered (ask me about how much money the Social Security Administration owes ME, but that’s a different fantasy), I am normally bubbly and upbeat, laughing and positive, tender and loving, silly as all hell.

But Something Is Broken

When an intelligent, confident, self-loving woman who KNOWS what it takes to lose weight continues to weigh over 300 pounds, something is broken.  I am loved; I love so many things I cannot list them all; I am sociable and love friends and family and feeling good and being happy; I enjoy who I am.  And yet I am broken.

It is my fantasy that having the opportunity to spend a few months with not a care in the world except loving myself, addressing healthy eating, learning to move better, writing, exploring the parts of my mind and soul that I have kept hidden may fix that which is broken.  I would LOVE to be a “normal” size.  I imagine what it might be like to go into a big room filled with people and not be the largest person in the room (even if it’s a room full of NFL players).  I dream of a time when my back doesn’t hurt from standing for two minutes, when I don’t get out of breath from a very small exertion, and when I might be able to enjoy a walk around the block (because right now, a walk around the block is a painful and tiring experience).  I have so many dreams, most of them full of hope and love and excitement.  I dream of not being broken.

Big Dreams

And are you ready for my big dreams for an acting career?  I dream (my eyes sparkle here!) that Ron Howard will love working with me and will call me anytime he has a roll (hahaha! that’s “role”) for which I might be perfect (big or small).  I dream that Tom and Rita (Hanks and Wilson) will read the ebook I wrote under the pen name of Maggie Mistery (“Diary of a Real-Life Phone Sex Operator“) and decide it’s such a funny and poignant story that they want to bring it to the theaters near you.

So how about it:  do YOU have a beach-front California home?

Dream BIG!


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