Dream Chasing Prep: Weight Issues – Part 1

To Be Successful in my Chase, I Have to Deal With Weight Issues

As a general rule, I almost never allow my size to cause me to be down on myself.  The fact that I have always been an extra-sized woman is simply that:  a fact.  I’ve never felt it meant that I was a lesser person or of lesser significance than people half my size.  In fact, I have often told people, “Hey, I have a full length mirror, I’m not in that river in Egypt—de Nile.”  (denial) 

Further, for most of my life I haven’t let my size stop me from doing anything I damn well pleased, from taking lessons in Tae Kwon Do and ice skating to whitewater rafting and snowmobiling.  From posing in a tub full of a bubble-covered me to introducing myself to stunningly handsome men (many of whom I dated for years). 


I have to say, though, that over the last few years, my weight has become more of a hindrance than ever before, and I’m giving serious rumination to the reasons.  Just earlier today, my sweet husband Robert and I were enjoying hot-tub time, which is always conducive to meaningful conversation, and we were discussing this very issue. 

As I told Robert, for most of my life, I was a very active fat girl (For those of you who are insulted by the word “fat,” please accept my heart-felt apology (and then get over it).  I am not insulted by the word “fat” because it doesn’t mean “ugly,” it simply means “fluffy.”  And I cannot deny that I am most definitely fluffy.)  I was very active until the death of Kim Schexnaildre, my then-fiancee.  At the time of Kim’s death in 1999, I was a happy-go-lucky 280-pound chubbette.  After he died, however, grief completely changed me, and I literally sat in my chair and cried (and ate) for the next year.  By the end of that year, I had gained 70 pounds, my ability to move was seriously diminished, and my will to live was non-existent.  In fact, each day I awoke was another day I wished had never arrived, and I greeted each day—for more than two years—with anger that I had lived through my slumber.  It’s sad to be that grieved, and admitting to such pain is difficult for me, but it’s a truth from which I cannot hide. 

Healing Began: A Life-Changing Event

In 2002, I went to the Crossing Over With John Edward studios as a gallery guest, and having a reading with John Edward was a life-changing event.  The biggest realization that came from my reading with John Edward was that Kim was still around and still loved me.  My Daddy came through with words of love for both me and my Mom.  And I have to say this:  everything and everyone at Sixth Avenue Productions projected warmth and love.  Every single employee of the show radiated sincerity and acceptance and joy.  John Edward himself exuded goodness and wholesomeness (he may hate that thought!).  The treasure that I gleaned from my Crossing Over visit was that my grief began to heal. 

In those years of grief and weight-gain and inactivity, my body deteriorated more than at any time in my entire life, and physically I have not been able to recover all that I lost.  I have coasted along day-to-day, not making my health or exercise a priority, content to just waddle through life.  I’ve been able to do what was necessary, and I’ve done some pretty neat things.  But I must admit that my limitations are too restrictive, my weight has become too disabling, and my priorities MUST change or I’ll never accomplish the dreams I’m chasing.  I HATE saying that, I HATE knowing it.  But I think I hate my limitations even more. 

Come back in a day or two for Part 2—I’ll share the plan for weight loss and restoring my physical capabilities. 

In the meantime, DREAM BIG! I do!


%d bloggers like this: